Saturday, 2 April 2011

Get what you want without wanting it

As this is a love-life blog - pretty much everything is going to be about that :

So, there is a particular pattern that every couple gets into when the fight, and they fight about the same thing, and its gets resolved the same way !!

So for us - its like I find out something that SB has done and he has not told me or has lied about.
Earlier I used to look for things so I would find them - and think that if he hasnt told me its because he is hiding something big. So for example if its about a trip he made - and turned out he forgot to mention who he was with - then clearly he had smething to hide. Many fights later after hurting myself more and that fact that we are still together I would find that it wasnt as bas as I thought it was. He just hid from me what he thought I would make an issue about, or what I wouldnt like it...because the option of not doing it was'nt really a possibility..

So the pattern was : I found out, jumped to a certain conclusion, confronted him directly - hurled accusations at him, screamed and yelled, called him names. His response - he would switch off - sometimes the phone as well and refuse to communicate. the more he did that the more I had to speak to him then itself. lots of tears, lots of sleepless nights, lots of stress - complete distraction from work, and lots of pain.
Then I would finally stop chasing him, and the minute I relaxed - he would call. Then I would start managing what I said to not get him upset - then we would try and speak about the issue - lead to more emotional turmoil - and then finally he would say it was not working out.
Then in a couple of days - couple of terrible days averaging 200 sms each till the fingers hurt : we would tell each other that we loved each other so much and find a way out of the fight -

The issue would be ignored and left to him to ensure it doesnt happen again - unless it would !

So the last almost 5 years is strewn with these phases which take atleast a month or so to get over !

So this time around - yes unfortunately this time happened !! though after a long long break.

SO I found something quite accidently, and this is quite serious a few days ago. At a time when he really needed to be with me - he was not and evidence that csam my way shows - in a group that included soem people that according to him he's not been in touch for a long time.

SO this time what did I do - I called him and told him we needed to speak.
Then i confronted him with it - told him this was a blow to me, and i could nt take it and that its over - yes this time its me who called it off ! (sometimes I think I want to get back to him for all the times he did) and then put the hone down.
He sent messages asking me to reconsider !! Please - which is not something taht comes to him naturally - which I ignored compeletely - bec for me thsi was so over thatr day.
then morning came - and I started thinking - that I again have jumped to conclusions and mid afternoonish messaged him. ANd thats when he sent many saying he was so hurt and how much he loved me and all. And iw as like - hey what happened here - he hurt ?? because I found out ?/
And then we spent a day or so exchanging messages. But this time I was already in a - I will forgive him phase - so lets work it out. And yesterday we made headway - I got what I wanted - him calling me, being nice to him.

And what did I need to do - just be sweet to him, and not confront him, and not feel bad about what he had done and just not be angry !! And when I did what he wanted - I got what I wanted from him !!

Then sometime last night anger happened and I sent him a spate of hateful messages - and what did I get !!
No call, as promised earlier - but a spate of Im confused, I love you but how can this be so hard !!

And sunday 12 pm and no call..
There is nothing I wrote to him last night that was wrong - because I am in teh right.
But what I say fades away, under how nad when I said it.
He said he will talk to me - give him a few days !! And I didnt - give him,a nd guess what I didnt get !!

Thats the thing - easy as it sounds its the toughest thing - Thats why its the SECRET !!
We all know the secret but its impossible for us mere mortals to practice....thats why hhappiness alludes us.

So now today - when i finally get the call - I will practice this and report successs !!
I really do want what I want so let me then do what it takes to make it happen, instead of doing what it takes to make it NOT happen.................

Who said being SMART was easy

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